You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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