I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
