Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
