I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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