Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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