His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
