I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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