4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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