i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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