My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
