K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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