I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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