thus making me awesome and them whores
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
