i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
