I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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