Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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