sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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