It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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