I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
