I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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