She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
