Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
