Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
