i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water