I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
True strength comes from lack of pants