She is in my trunk
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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