I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear