Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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