My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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