you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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