Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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