Will you blow on my dice?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
