I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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