In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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