I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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