she woke up with a sticky ear
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
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You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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