it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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