Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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