I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
