I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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