You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
