there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
