In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
