Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
