so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
