nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
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fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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