My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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