I wish I could teleport
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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