ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't turn off my feet"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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