checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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