I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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