I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
