I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
