too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
