i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
